


of homos and disasters

by Anonymous



Category: South Park
Genre: (hint: it’s kenny), Alternate Universe - High School, Chatting & Messaging, Craig and Tweek are the only ones who got their shit together, Eric Cartman Language, F/F, Homophobic Language, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, Multi, Mutual Pining, Pining, Racist Language, Slow Burn, Texting, Unresolved Sexual Tension
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-29
Updated: 2020-05-21
Packaged: 2021-02-28 18:02:29
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 5,835
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23381380
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: gay pussy has joined Eric and the Minionspoor dirty hooker: oh hey ButtersHail the great Eric Cartman: godHail the great Eric Cartman: what does this fag want now?gay pussy took away Hail the great Eric Cartman’s admin rightsHail the great Eric Cartman: what the fucjfucking jew: lololol GO BUTTERS!!
Relationships: Bebe Stevens/Wendy Testaburger, Craig Tucker/Tweek Tweak, Eric Cartman/Heidi Turner, Kenny McCormick/Leopold "Butters" Stotch, Kyle Broflovski/Stan Marsh, Token Black/Clyde Donovan
Comments: 6
Kudos: 247
Collections: Anonymous





	1. in this chatroom we love and appreciate Kenny McCormick

**Author's Note:**

> i love kenny and it shows

**[Eric and the Minions]**

_ fucking jew has joined Eric and the Minions _

**fucking jew** : okay

**fucking jew** : whose wise idea was it to let the fatass create this group chat?

_ Hail the great Eric Cartman has joined Eric and the Minions _

**Hail the great Eric Cartman** : have something against mah authoritah?

_ shitstain bitch has joined Eric and the Minions _

**shitstain bitch** : guys…..

**shitstain bitch** : its 3 in the fucking MORNING

_ poor dirty hooker has joined Eric and the Minions _

**poor dirty hooker** : its not all that bad Stan

**poor dirty hooker** : you could do a shit ton of things at 3 am

**poor dirty hooker** : ;)

**shitstain bitch** : let me guess

**shitstain bitch** : youre reading porn 

**poor dirty hooker** : nope

**Hail the great Eric Cartman** : found someone desperate enough to sleep with you?

**poor dirty hooker** : unfortunately 

**poor dirty hooker** : no

_ gay pussy has joined Eric and the Minions _

**poor dirty hooker** : oh hey Butters

**Hail the great Eric Cartman** : god

**Hail the great Eric Cartman** : what does this fag want now?

_ gay pussy took away Hail the great Eric Cartman’s admin rights _

**Hail the great Eric Cartman** : what the fucj

**fucking jew** : lololol GO BUTTERS!!!

_ gay pussy changed gay pussy to Professor Chaos _

_ Professor Chaos changed Eric and the Minions to bff forever _

**fucking jew** : i almost forgot you can do that

**poor dirty hooker** : aww

**poor dirty hooker** : Butters

**poor dirty hooker** : thats so cute

**Professor Chaos** : Thanks Kenny 

**Hail the great Eric Cartman** : gay

_ fucking jew changed fucking jew to Kyle _

_ Kyle changed Hail the great Eric Cartman to Dicktator Fatass _

**Dicktator Fatass** : FUCK YOU YOU DIRTY JEW

_ poor dirty hooker changed Kyle to SpicyNerd _

**SpicyNerd** : HEY!

**poor dirty hooker** : what? its true

**poor dirty hooker** : which reminds me…

_ poor dirty hooker took away SpicyNerd’s admin rights _

**Dicktator Fatass** : H A !,!!

**Dicktator Fatass** : serves you right shithead

**Dicktator Fatass** : even when theres nothing hot abut a ginger jersey jew

**SpicyNerd** : shut up fatass

**SpicyNerd** : Stan can you change my name

_ poor dirty hooker changed shitstain bitch to Gothie tHottie _

_ poor dirty hooker took away Gothie tHottie’s admin rights _

**SpicyNerd** : nevermind

**Gothie tHottie** : goddamnit Kenny

**poor dirty hooker** : god has damned me enough

**Gothie tHottie** : it was one time

**Gothie tHottie** : one fucking T I M E

**poor dirty hooker** : yeah but you sometimes dress up like them

**poor dirty hooker** : not that it makes u any less hotter

**poor dirty hooker** : in fact it makes u 10x more when u wear those skin tight clothes

**poor dirty hooker** : especially those jeans that accentuates that fine ass of yours

**Gothie tHottie** : KENNY!!!

**poor dirty hooker** : dont u agree with me Kyle?

**poor dirty hooker** : ;))))))))) 

**SpicyNerd** : aren’t you going to change your username?

**poor dirty hooker** : changing the subject i see

**poor dirty hooker** : i know what ur doing

**Professor Chaos** : He’s right Kenny

**Professor Chaos** : You should change your name

**Professor Chaos** : It’s not nice for a nice fella like you

**Dicktator Fatass** : hes a poor dirty hooker and he doesnt deny it

**poor dirty hooker** : he has a point

**Professor Chaos** : :(

_ Professor Chaos took away poor dirty hooker’s admin rights _

**poor dirty hooker** : Butters

**poor dirty hooker** : no

_ Professor Chaos changed poor dirty hooker to Nicest Hero _

**Dicktator Fatass** : this is so fucking gay

**Dicktator Fatass** : screw you losers im leaving

_ Dicktator Fatass has left the chat _

**SpicyNerd** : fucking finally

**Nicest Hero** : as much as i feel honored 

**Nicest Hero** : im not exactly what u call nice

**Professor Chaos** : But Kenny

**Professor Chaos** : You’re one of the kindest sweetest fella I’ve ever met

**Professor Chaos** : Anyone would be happy to have a friend like you around

**Nicest Hero** :

**Gothie tHottie** : look what you did Butters

**Gothie tHottie** : you broke him

**Gothie tHottie** : but yea

**Gothie tHottie** : in this chatroom we love and appreciate Kenny McCormick

**SpicyNerd** : except for the fatass but nobody cares about him

_ Dicktator Fatass has entered the chat _

**Dicktator Fatass** : choke on my balls jew

**SpicyNerd** : is there anything to choke on tho?

**Dicktator Fatasss** : FUCK YOU

_ Dicktator Fatass has left the chat _

**Professor Chaos** : Oh hamburgers! Kenny, I hope you thought I wasn’t joking!

**Professor Chaos** : I’ve meant every word I said! I promise!

**SpicyNerd** : don’t worry Butters

**SpicyNerd** : he knows 

  
*

**[private message from Spicy Nerd to Nicest Hero]**

**SpicyNerd** : just confess already 

**Nicest Hero** : dont spit hypocritical shit at me

*  
  


**[bff forever]**

**Gothie** **t** **Hottie** : Kenny

**Gothie** **t** **Hottie** : u still alive?

**Nicest Hero** : nothing has come to horrifically and brutally kill me yet so,,,

**Nicest Hero** : yes

**SpicyNerd** : what?

**Nicest Hero** : but seriously Butters

**Nicest Hero** : thanks

**Nicest Hero** : this means,,, a lot to me

**Professor Chaos** : No problem Kenny

**Professor Chaos** : :)

**Nicest Hero** : nevermind im dead

**Gothie** **t** **Hottie** : oh my god

**Gothie** **t** **Hottie** : you killed Kenny!

**SpicyNerd** : you bastard!


	2. who dun it????

**Gothie tHottie** : someone pls

**Gothie tHottie** : get me out of this stupid farm

**Nicest Hero** : i thought u already got used to staying there

**Nicest Hero** : its been what?

**Nicest Hero** : seven years?

**Gothie tHottie** : thats seven years of suffering and smelling like cocaine and marijuana 

**Gothie tHottie** : Kenny i’ll pay you half of my dad’s yearly income if you help me burn down the farm

**Nicest Hero** : ,,, how much does ur dad earn?

**SpicyNerd** : don't even think about it

**Dicktator Fatass** : goddamnit Kahl, ur ruining the fun

**Professor Chaos** : I don’t think burning down a farm is a good idea fellas

**Dicktator Fatass** : but Kinny wouldnt be poor anymore if he burns down the farm

**SpicyNerd** : one

**SpicyNerd** : you're just saying that bc you want to see the farm burn

**SpicyNerd** : two

**SpicyNerd** : i will whack your dumbass head if any of you actually burn the farm

**Dicktator Fatass** : party pooping kill joy jew

**SpicyNerd** : and three

**SpicyNerd** : Cartman can go screw himself

**Nicest Hero** : ah s h i t

**Nicest Hero** : no offense Stan

**Nicest Hero** : i would rather not have an angry Kyle after me

**Nicest Hero** : so ur own ur own

**Gothie tHottie** : well…...

**Gothie tHottie** : nice knowing you all 

**Gothie tHottie** : i have a farm to burn

**SpicyNerd** : for fucks sake

**SpicyNerd** : just come over to my place

**SpicyNerd** : my parents will be out and Ike’s staying over with a friend

**SpicyNerd** : just don’t burn down the farm

**Dicktator Fatass** : how gay

**Gothie tHottie** : shut up fatass

**Dicktator Fatass** : and theyre starting to sound like each other too

**Dicktator Fatass** : whens the wedding?

* * *

**SpicyNerd** : have any of you seen Stan?

**SpicyNerd** : he’s supposed to be here 30 minutes ago

**Professor Chaos** : Sorry, Kyle I haven’t seen him

**Professor Chaos** : Maybe he’s just late

**SpicyNerd** : true

**SpicyNerd** : considering that Stan has to walk all the way here

**Nicest Hero** : *sends a picture*

**Nicest Hero** : look at my cute little sister

**Professor Chaos** : Wow, Kenny. You did that?

**Professor Chaos** : That must have taken a lot of effort to do

**Nicest Hero** : my sister always wanted to have her hair styled but we didnt have the money to afford so i taught myself in hairstyling

**SpicyNerd** : so that’s what all those book are for

**SpicyNerd** : i have to say

**SpicyNerd** : i’m very impressed

**Nicest Hero** : thx 

**Nicest Hero** : Karen says hi

**Nicest Hero** : *sends a voice clip*

**Professor Chaos** : Hi Karen!

**SpicyNerd** : hello

**Dicktator Fatass** : u wont believe what i just saw guys!

**SpicyNerd** : what is it fatass?

**Dicktator Fatass** : i saw the woodland critters kidnap Stan

**SpicyNerd** : what

**Nicest Hero** : whut

**Professor Chaos** : WHAT!?!?

**Professor Chaos** : As in the same ones that tried to make Kyle be a vessel for the Antichrist?

**SpicyNerd** : that never happened 

**SpicyNerd** : Cartman i swear if you’re shitting me…

**Dicktator** **Fatass** : its true guys! 

**SpicyNerd** : what’s your evidence?

**Dicktator** **Fatass** : *sends a voice clip*

 **Dicktator** **Fatass** : he sounds like a pussy

 **Dicktator** **Fatass** : screaming and whining like that

**SpicyNerd** : AND YOU DIDN’T TRY TO H E L P HIM!?!?!?

**SpicyNerd** : fuck it

**SpicyNerd** : we’re saving Stan

**Professor** **Chaos** : I’ll help Kyle

**Professor Chaos** : Stan sounds like he’s in trouble

**Dicktator Fatass** : nu uh

**Dicktator Fatass** : im not getting myself killed

**SpicyNerd** : Cartman if you dont get out of the house the moment i reach it

**SpicyNerd** : i will tell Wendy you got Stan kidnapped 

**SpicyNerd** : and have her obliterate you 

**Dicktator Fatass** : i did not!

**Dicktator Fatass** : and she doesnt scare me!

**SpicyNerd** : between the two of us who will she believe?

**Dicktator Fatass** : god fucking damnit

**Dicktator Fatass** : fine

**Dicktator Fatass** : only because i know you wouldnt stop bitching if ur boyfriend gets killed

**Dicktator Fatass** : and santa might not give me presents if hes too busy fighting a bunch of little fuckers

**SpicyNerd** : thanks Cartman

**SpicyNerd** : :)

**Nicest Hero** : i fear

**SpicyNerd** : how about you Kenny?

**Nicest Hero** : cant 

**Nicest Hero** : i have to take care of Karen

**SpicyNerd** : okay

**Dicktator Fatass** : why does he have a pass!?

**Nicest Hero** : just text me if something happens

**Professor Chaos** : Sure Kenny

**Dicktator Fatass** : answer me dammit!

**Nicest Hero** : be safe and try not to get killed

**SpicyNerd** : we won’t

**SpicyNerd** : tell your sister to have fun

**Nicest Hero** : i will

**SpicyNerd** : well i’m off

**SpicyNerd** : see you later

_ SpicyNerd left the group chat _

**Professor Chaos** : We’ll update you later Kenny

_ Professor Chaos left the group chat _

**Dicktator Fatass** : goddamnit u assholes!

_ Dicktator Fatass left the group chat _

* * *

_ ChampionWendy created who dun it???? _

_ ChampionWendy invited bebabes, yodelin ‘n screamin, Gothie tHottie, SpicyNerd, Professor Chaos, Nicest Hero, Dicktator Fatass, coffeeloving bf, spaceboi bf, Clyde da MainMan, technoRogue, comedically gifted _

_ bebabes joined who dun it???? _

_ yodelin ‘n screamin joined who dun it???? _

_ coffeeloving bf joined who dun it???? _

_ spaceboi bf joined who dun it???? _

_ Clyde da MainMan joined who dun it???? _

_ technoRogue joined who dun it???? _

_ comedically gifted joined who dun it???? _

**Clyde da MainMan** : sup

**spaceboi bf** : why am i invited to another gc?

**spaceboi bf** : im trying to take care of Stripe with Tweek

**yodenlin ‘n screamin** : that’s cute

**spaceboi bf** : and Tweek wont stop freaking out

**coffeeloving bf** : THE SKY IS WEIRD!!!

**comedically gifted** : well aren’t you guys having a terrific time

**Clyde da MainMan** : dont be such a downer Craig

**Clyde da MainMan** : cant be all that bad

**technoRogue** : But I do want to ask about the name

**ChampionWendy** : Can someone explain to me

**ChampionWendy** : Why on earth

**ChampionWendy** : is tHE SKY BLOODY RED!!!??,,!

**technoRogue** : Well that answers my question

_ Nicest Hero joined who dun it???? _

**Nicest Hero** : eheheh

**Nicest Hero** : funny story,,,,,

**bebabes** : of for fuxks sakes

**bebabes** : you guys??

**bebabes** : A G A I N???


	3. Sparky’s the best dog btw

**_Some time earlier_ **

**Nicest Hero :** any update?

**Professor Chaos :** Not much so far

**Professor Chaos :** I think we’re getting closer

**Dicktator Fatass :** we’re fucking lost

**Dicktator Fatass :** i knew we shouldnt trust a jew to lead us

**SpicyNerd :** zip your mouth fatass

**SpicyNerd :** the only thing youve been doing is sing that shitty song

**Nicest Hero :** what song?

**Professor Chaos :** Well….

**Professor Chaos :** Excuse me Kyle

**Professor Chaos :** Kyle’s mom’s a bitch

**Dicktator Fatass :** shes a big fat bitch shes the biggest bitch in the whole wide world

**Dicktator Fatass :** ahdykfkued,nfjtd,jfit

**Dicktator Fatass :** A Y!!!

**Dicktator Fatass :** you slapped my hand!

**SpicyNerd :** we found some mountain lion cubs

**Professor Chaos :** They’re very cute

**Nicest Hero :** may i see?

**Professor Chaos :** *sends a picture*

**Nicest Hero :** I showed Karen the pictures 

**Nicest Hero :** she thinks theyre cute too

**SpicyNerd :** wait

**SpicyNerd :** they’re telling us something

**SpicyNerd :**

**Nicest Hero :** Kyle?

**Dicktator Fatass :** HAHAHA HA H A !,!,!!!!

**Dicktator Fatass :** and you said that it never happened 

**Professor Chaos :** Uhm…

**Nicest Hero :** should i ask?

**Dicktator Fatass :** “arent you the one that we performed an abortion on?” -lion cubs

**Dicktator Fatass :** PRICELESS

**SpicyNerd :** once this whole mess is over

**SpicyNerd :** i will tear your balls off with my bare hands

**Nicest Hero :** now Kyle

**Nicest Hero :** are u sure u want to waste those hands on those tiny balls?

**Nicest Hero :** when u can go after something better?

**SpicyNerd :** back to the mission guys

**Dicktator Fatass :** i know i should be offended

**Dicktator Fatass :** screw u Kinnie i have amazing balls

**Dicktator Fatass :** but im surrounded by useless faggots

**Professor Chaos :** The mountain lion cubs are telling me something

**Nicest Hero :** what is it Butters?

**Dicktator Fatass :** are they telling us to kill Kahl before its too late?

**SpicyNerd :** i’m 

**SpicyNerd :** this close

**SpicyNerd :** from breaking your neck

**Professor Chaos :** They said they heard Stan screaming nearby

**Professor Chaos :** And when they came closer they saw Stan being all tied up

**Professor Chaos :** They’re not sure why Stan got kidnapped

**Professor Chaos :** Maybe in revenge for him foiling their plans?

**Dicktator Fatass :** goddamnit Kahl

**Dicktator Fatass :** u shouldve just let the antichrist possess you

**SpicyNerd :** that never happened!!

**SpicyNerd :** and you’re the one who made them up in the first place!

**SpicyNerd :** so this whole mess is your fault!

**Nicest Hero :** maybe theyre angry at us too?

**Nicest Hero :** we also ruined their plan when we time traveled 

**Dicktator Fatass :** we do not speak of that 

**SpicyNerd :** i hate to say this 

**SpicyNerd :** but i agree

**SpicyNerd :** can’t believe i stoop that low to prove a point

**Professor Chaos :** Luxkily we had the New Kid to help us

**Nicest Hero :** and their amazing butthole

**Professor Chaos :** Wait a minute

**Professor Chaos :** Why do we still call them New Kid?

**Professor Chaos :** Don’t we know their name?

**Dicktator Fatass :** ……….

**Nicest Hero :** ,,,,,,,,,,,

**SpicyNerd :** ….

**SpicyNerd :** the mountain lion cubs told us to turn left

**Dicktator Fatass :** and left we shall go

* * *

**_The unfortunate present_ **

**[who dun it????]**

**ChampionWendy :** And what happened after that?

**Nicest Hero :** they did find the woodland critters

**Nicest Hero :** apparently they kidnapped Stan

**Nicest Hero :** bc he was ignoring their imvite

**bebabes :** invite to what?

**bebabes :** an orgy?

**Nicest Hero :** a blood orgy

**bebabes :** i was just kiddin

**bebabes :** wait srsly?

**Nicest Hero :** u read right

**Nicest Hero :** a fucking blood orgy

**Nicest Hero :** and listen ive done some kinky shit

**Nicest Hero :** but having group sex w an animals dead bod is gross

**spaceboi bf :** we didn’t need u to explain the obvious McCormick

**technoRogue :** And then what happened?

**Nicest Hero :** supposedly 

**Nicest Hero :** what Stan all needed to do was to watch the blood orgy then the woodland critters would to let him go 

**Clyde da MainMan :** but,,, ?

**Nicest Hero :** Cartman

**ChampionWendy :** What did he do this time?

**Nicest Hero :** he told Kyle to join

**Nicest Hero :** cauze thats what jews are into

**Nicest Hero :** and if any of u remember his story

**technoRogue :** the woodland critters needed a non Christian be the host of the antichrist

**techoRogue :** Damnit Cartman

**coffeeloving bf :** are they ok!?

**coffeeloving bf :** are they still alive!?

**Nicest Hero :** last time ive heard from them

**Nicest Hero :** they tried to run but the woodland critters caught up to them

**yodelin ‘n screamin :** and you last got that text when?

**Nicest Hero :** an hour ago

**ChampionWendy :** And you’re not doing ANYTHING to help them!?!?

**Nicest Hero :** eh

**Nicest Hero :** they’ve survived thru worst without me

**Nicest Hero :** im taking care of Karen anyway

**Nicest Hero :** sis before bros 

**coffeeloving bf :** WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE

**coffeeloving bf :** AND THERE’S NOTHING WE CAN DO ABOUT IT

**spaceboi bf :** calm down honey

**spaceboi bf :** remember what the therapist told u

**spaceboi bf :** and Stripe and i will protect u from a bunch of critters

**coffeeloving bf :** but Craig if they hurt you

**coffeeloving bf :** then I shall burn them alive

**Clyde da MainMan :** damn Tweek

**coffeeloving bf :** nobody hurts my boyfriend

**bebabes :** fucking goals

**bebabes :** the two of u

**bebabes :** wish i had a gf like that

**comedically gifted :** maybe its not so bad guys

**comedically gifted :** maybe theyre ok

**yodelin ‘n screamin :** i dont think so Jimmy

**yodelin ‘n screamin :** maybe they truly are in danger

**yodelin ‘n screamin :** Kenny hasn’t heard from them for over an hour

**yodelin ‘n screamin :** we need to go out there and help them

**Clyde da MainMan :** listen i know u five have given us shit

**Nicest Hero :** gee thanks

**Nicest Hero :** its not our fault weird shit keeps on happening on purpose 

**Nicest Hero :** most of the time

**Clyde da MainMan :** but i admit its also because ur grp that this class is interesting 

**Clyde da MainMan :** i wouldve died of boredom if there wasnt another disaster happening in the next three days

**technoRogue :** I have to admit

**technoRogue :** You guys always seem to have something wild coming up

**technoRogue :** It’ll be a shame if your group was gone

**Nicest Hero :** this is questionably nice and all

**Nicest Hero :** but yall making it sound like my friends are dead

**Nicest Hero :** and boy am i not in the mood to kill myself 

**Nicest Hero :** just to talk Satan so i could talk to god

**Nicest Hero :** so that i can crossover dimensions 

**Nicest Hero :** and beat the cthulhu shitless again

**Nicest Hero :** to make a deal out of that fucker

**spaceboi bf :** what

**Nicest Hero :** oh yeah

**Nicest Hero :** none of u remember

**Nicest Hero :** except maybe Cartman

**Nicest Hero :** but even sometimes im not sure if he knows abut my shit or just trolling me

**ChampionWendy :** Back to the situation at hand

**ChampionWendy :** We need to prepare ourselves and save our friends!

_ Dicktator Fatass joined who dun it???? _

_ Professor Chaos joined who dun it???? _

_ Gothie tHottie joined who dun it???? _

_ SpicyNerd joined who dun it???? _

**comedically gifted :** you were all sayin?

**Dicktator Fatass :** never again

**Dicktator Fatass :** never a fucking again

**Dicktator Fatass :** will i do shit like that

**Professor Chaos :** Oh hamburgers that was intense

**coffeeloving bf :** what happened?

**coffeeloving bf :** and are you guys ok?

**SpicyNerd :** other than the usual mental scars

**SpicyNerd :** surprisingly yes

**technoRogue :** Story time?

**SpicyNerd :** long or short version

**spaceboi bf :** short

**SpicyNerd :** wait im back reading first

**Gothie tHottie :** you guys make it sound like we’re dead

**Gothie tHottie :** and what’s this about crossing dimensions Kenny?

**Nicest Hero :** just another one of my wild wet dreams

**SpicyNerd :** so after the fatass incorrectly said that jewish people are into becoming human hosts for the antichrist

**SpicyNerd :** we had to run

**SpicyNerd :** but we all ended up tripping and got captured 

**Dicktator Fatass :** and by tripping

**Dicktator Fatass :** i mean Butters falling on nothing and pulling down both of us

**Professor Chaos :** I’m sorry

**Gothie tHottie :** it’s ok Butters

**SpicyNerd :** so after that they tied us up

**SpicyNerd :** and were about to knock me out to use me as a sacrifice 

**Gothie tHottie :** then Sparky and his gay animal friends came in to save us!

**Clyde da MainMan :** wait what how?

**Gothie tHottie :** Sparky followed me going to Kyle’s house

**Gothie tHottie :** and when he saw me get kidnapped he went to Big Gay Al’s gay animal sanctuary

**spaceboi bf :** theres a sanctuary for gay animals?

**spaceboi bf :** i wanna go there

**spaceboi bf :** lets go there someday babe

**coffeeloving bf :** sure

**spaceboi bf :** you better lead us to that sanctuary Marsh

**Gothie tHottie :** tomorrow 

**spaceboi bf :** deal

**coffeeloving bf :** thanks Stan

**Gothie tHottie :** no problem 

**Gothie tHottie :** where was i

**Gothie tHottie :** so Sparky got all his animal friends and rescued us

**Gothie tHottie :** Sparky’s the best dog btw

**Professor Chaos :** But then the porcupine somehow survived the whole massacre and was about to give birth

**Professor Chaos :** Which is weird because it’s not Christmas yet

**Professor Chaos :** So we found the mountain lion cubs and performed an abortion

**SpicyNerd :** not ebfore Cartman got dead animal fetus blood splattered on his face

**Dicktator Fatass :** WE DO N O T SPEAK OF THAT EVER AGAIN

**Gothie tHottie :** now we're going back

**Gothie tHottie :** with animal blood covered all over our body

**Nicest Hero :** see

**Nicest Hero :** i told u theyll survive

  
  



	4. IS THAT ASSHOLE AGAIN

**spaceboi bf :** Tweek

 **spaceboi bf :** i fucking love u

 **spaceboi bf :** u and Stripe keep me sane from all the bullfuckery

 **spaceboi bf :** but im still sadden whenever Stripe dies

 **spaceboi bf :** u

 **spaceboi bf :** im just a mere star compared to the constellation of beauty that u r

 **spaceboi bf :** this is so fucking gay

 **spaceboi bf :** but im so fucking gay for u

 **spaceboi bf :** i know itll take more than a yr before we graduate 

**spaceboi bf :** but i cant imagine going anywhere 

**spaceboi bf :** where u arent 

**coffeeloving bf :** Craig,,,

 **coffeeloving bf :** thats so sweet

 **coffeeloving bf :** but

 **spaceboi bf :** yes sweetie

 **Gothie tHottie :** really?

 **Gothie tHottie :** in this group chat?

 **spaceboi bf :** oh fuck

 **spaceboi bf :** but i have no regrets

 **spaceboi bf :** i love u Tweek

 **spaceboi bf :** love u more than all of the Stripes combined

 **comedically gifted :** congrats gays

 **comedically gifted :** you just made Clyde cry

 **Clyde da MainMan :** no i’m not

 **comedically gifted :** dude

 **comedically gifted :** you’re sitting next to me

 **comedically gifted :** tearing up all over my table

 **Clyde da MainMan :** shut up Jimmy!

 **coffeeloving bf :** Craig

 **coffeeloving bf :** come over here 

_coffeeloving bf has left the chat_

**spaceboi bf :** bye losers

_spaceboi bf has left the chat_

**Clyde da MainMan :** im suddenly reminded

 **Clyde da MainMan :** that two of my bros are screwing

 **Clyde da MainMan :** and one of them is my best friend

 **comedically gifted :** at least u stopped crying

 **Gothie tHottie :** does this always happen?

 **comedically gifted :** you have no idea

 **comedically gifted :** it happens in our gc too many times

 **Clyde da MainMan :** true that

 **Clyde da MainMan :** one of the worse incidents between those two

 **Clyde da MainMan :** left all of us scarred

 **technoRogue :** Don’t dirty talk

 **technoRogue :** In the fucking group chat

_spaceboi bf has entered the chat_

**spaceboi bf :** _*middle finger*_

 **spaceboi bf :** at least i have a stable love life

_spaceboi bf has left the chat_

**Clyde da MainMan :** rude

 **comedically gifted :** dont you dare start crying again

 **comedically gifted :** i just cleaned the table

 **Clyde da MainMan :** i dont always cry!!!

 **technoRogue :** Nah, you’re a crybaby.

 **Clyde da MainMan :** what is this?

 **technoRogue :** But you’re at least a cute crybaby 

**Clyde da MainMan** : bully Clyde day

 **Clyde da MainMan :** shiauagwuegehfiovhrju

 **comedically gifted :** way to go Token

 **comedically gifted :** i think i also lost my hearing

 **Gothie tHottie :** thank god none of my friends are banging each other

 **bebabes :** not yet

 **technoRogue :** Have you been lurking this whole time?

 **bebabes :** a woman doesnt tell her secrets

 **Gothie tHottie** **:** what

 **Gothie tHottie :** what do you mean not yet?

 **comedically gifted :**

**technoRogue :**

**bebabes :**

**bebabes :** Stan

 **bebabes :** honey

 **bebabes :** ur joking me

 **bebabes :** right?

 **Gothie tHottie** : no?

 **Gothie tHottie :** i dont think my friends have the hots for each other

 **bebabes :** holy fuck

 **bebabes** : this is worse than i thought

 **Gothie tHottie :** wha?

 **Clyde da MainMan :** Stan

 **Clyde da MainMan :** i may be an idiot

 **Clyde da MainMan :** but at least im aware of the feelings of my bros towards one another

 **technoRogue :** Huh

 ******technoRogue :** And they tell me I have a shitty gaydar

 **comedically gifted :** *cough* u both are still idiots *cough*

 **Clyde da MainMan :** whut?

 **comedically gifted :** nothing

 **comedically gifted :** just an error on my keyboard

 **technoRogue :** How do you put an error on typing a cough?

 **comedically gifted :** idk

 **comedically gifted :** im just a wee crippled weak baby

 **comedically gifted :** i cant change this

 **Clyde da MainMan :** what the fuck Jimmy

 **Clyde da MainMan :** dont bullshit us

 **bebabes :** i member when some bitch called Timmy a retard

 **bebabes :** u fucking beelined to her

 **bebabes :** and beat the hell out of that hoe

 **comedically gifted :** nobody calls my friends a retard

 **bebabes :** going back

 **bebabes :** Stan

 **bebabes :** have u ever noticed

_Nicest Hero has entered the chat_

**Nicest Hero :** dont finish that text

 **bebabes :** we could be solving so many problems if u just admit it

 **Nicest Hero :** u could be solving ur own problems if YOU admit I T

 **Gothie tHottie :** wtf is happening

 **bebabes :** touché McCormick 

**bebabes :** nothing Stan

 **bebabes :** just two spicy bitches quarreling

 **bebabes :** typical before grade eleven shit

 **Clyde da MainMan :** fuck

 **Clyde da MainMan :** almost forgot we’re nearly seniors

 **comedically gifted :** juuuust great

 **comedically gifted :** he’s crying

 **technoRogue :** Not surprised

 **Clyde da MainMan :** fuck you all

 **Gothie tHottie :** Kenny

 **Nicest Hero :** yeah bro?

*****

**[private message from Gothie tHottie to Nicest Hero]**

**Gothie tHottie :** do you like someone?

 **Gothie tHottie :** shit

 **Gothie tHottie :** this sounds invasive

 **Gothie tHottie :** you don't have to answer

 **Nicest Hero :** nah bro its ok

 **Nicest Hero :** well,,,,

 **Nicest Hero :** there is someone

 **Gothie tHottie :** really?

 **Gothie tHottie :** who?

**Nicest Hero :**

**Nicest Hero :** holy fuck

 **Nicest Hero :** Bebe’s right

 **Nicest Hero :** ur an oblivious idiot

 **Gothie tHottie :** screw you Kenny

 **Nicest Hero :** nah

 **Nicest Hero :** ur hot and all

 **Nicest Hero :** but not my type

 **Nicest Hero :** how bout u Stan?

 **Nicest Hero :** u like someone?

 **Gothie tHottie :** not anyone in the moment

 **Nicest Hero :** not even Wendy?

 **Gothie tHottie :** dude we broke up sometime after school break

 **Nicest Hero :** yeah but u two always get back together

 **Gothie tHottie :** not this time

 **Gothie tHottie :** we both decided it’s for the best

 **Gothie tHottie :** that we dont try again

 **Gothie tHottie :** that we’re better off as friends

 **Gothie tHottie :** and…

 **Gothie tHottie :** i'm not sad

 **Gothie tHottie :** relieved even

 **Gothie tHottie :** i'm not saying that Wendy was bad a girlfriend or anything

 **Gothie tHottie :** but being in a relationship where you keep breaking and making up just becomes so tiring

 **Gothie tHottie :** and we don’t make each other as happy compared when we were younger

 **Gothie tHottie :** so yeah

 **Gothie tHottie :** she and i will be just friends from now on

 **Nicest Hero :** theres no hard feelings between the two of u?

 **Gothie tHottie :** none

 **Gothie tHottie :** she told me that was happy too when we were discussing about this

 **Gothie tHottie :** i’m happy

 **Gothie tHottie :** for the both of us

 **Nicest Hero :** i aint no relationship counselor 

**Nicest Hero :** but i agree with you

 **Nicest Hero :** as long as ur happy

 **Nicest Hero :** this whore shall support whatever decision u make

 **Gothie tHottie :** thanks

*****

*****

[ **private message from Nicest Hero to bebabes]**

**Nicest Hero :** nows ur time bitch

 **Nicest Hero :** Stan and Wendy are never getting back together

 **bebabes :** W H A T

*****

*****

**[private message from Nicest Hero to SpicyNerd]**

**Nicest Hero :** STANS NOW SINGLE

 **Nicest Hero :** HE AND WENDY ARE PERMANENTLY THROUGH

 **Nicest Hero :** BUT I HAVE NO CLUE IF HES BI OR NOT

*****

* * *

  
  


**[who dun it????]**

**ChampionWendy :** FUUUUUUUUUCK

 **ChampionWendy :** FUUUUUUUUUCK

 **ChampionWendy :** FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK

 **yodelin ‘n screamin :** Wendy?

 **SpicyNerd :** SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT

 **SpicyNerd :** HOOOOOOLLLLYYYY SHIIIIIIIIIIT

 **yodelin ‘n screamin :** Kyle?

 **yodelin ‘n screamin :** what’s wrong?

 **Dicktator Fatass :** the hippie and jew are probably on their period

 **ChampionWendy :** FUUUUUUUUUCKIIIIIIIIIIING

 **SpicyNerd :** BUUUUUULLLLLLLSHIIIIT

 **Dicktator Fatass :** okay something’s definitely wrong if they’re not yapping at me

 **Dicktator Fatass :** speak up losers

 **Dicktator Fatass :** what’s with all the yelling?

 **Dicktator Fatass :** i can fucking hear you two from my house

 **SpicyNerd :** OUR HOMEROOM TEACHER

 **SpicyNerd :** IS THAT ASSHOLE AGAIN

 **Dicktator Fatass :** fucking hell Kahl

 **Dicktator Fatass :** get straight to the point

 **yodelin ‘n screamin :** may i ask

 **yodelin ‘n screamin :** who exactly?

 **ChampionWendy :** THAT ASSHOLE

 **ChampionWendy :** MR. GARRISON!!!!!

 **yodelin ‘n screamin :** what

 **Dicktator Fatass :** oh

 **Dicktator Fatass :** OH HELL NAW

_coffeeloving bf has entered the chat_

**coffeeloving bf :** WHAAAAAAAATTTTTTT !??!!!?!


	5. to never piss off Tweek

**[private message from spaceboi bf to coffeeloving bf]**

**spaceboi bf** **:** Tweek darling

**spaceboi bf :** whatever ur planning

**spaceboi bf :** dont

**coffeeloving bf :** i’m not planning anything

**spaceboi bf :** then explain why there are boxes thats clearly states dynamite outside ur house?

**coffeeloving bf :** i’m celebrating an early new years w you 

**coffeeloving bf :** but with dynamite 

**spaceboi bf :** i kinda want to call it sweet

**spaceboi bf :** if it werent for the conversation in the other group chat

**spaceboi bf :** pls dont kill the ex president love

**spaceboi bf :** or if u do

**spaceboi bf :** try to get away with it

**coffeeloving bf :** no promises

**spaceboi bf :** where did u even get the dynamite or the MONEY to buy it?

**coffeeloving bf :** remember that bet i made with Butters in grade 8?

**spaceboi bf :** the one where who can manage a better business but only have homeless people as employees for 5 hours?

**spaceboi bf :** that was one hell of a competition 

**spaceboi bf :** ive never seen that many burritos made my entire fucked up life

**coffeeloving bf :** while Butters did have the advantage working with people due to handling hookers and minions

**coffeeloving bf :** i know what it's like to work under pressure

**coffeeloving bf :** and he forgot homeless people like change

**coffeeloving bf :** so i won the bet and the price is whoever wins gets the money of what the loser earned

**coffeeloving bf :** tho i won

**coffeeloving bf :** i felt bad for Butters

**spaceboi bf :** he got grounded for smelling like a homeless person of all reasons

**spaceboi bf :** but dont feel guilty babe

**spaceboi bf :** Kenny somehow convinced his posse to sneak Butters out whenever he gets grounded

**coffeeloving bf :** fuck really!?

**coffeeloving bf :** how did you find out?

**spaceboi bf :** i was buying food late at night when i heard Kyle and Cartman screaming up a fucking storm outside Butters house

**spaceboi bf :** im not sure what Stan said but it shut them both up

**spaceboi bf :** Kenny

**spaceboi bf :** being the dramatic bastard that he is

**spaceboi bf :** decided to bring a stripper pole

**spaceboi bf :** climbed on top of it and got Butters to jump into his arms as the bastard slides down the pole

**coffeeloving bf :** if it weren't how dangerous that was

**coffeeloving bf :** i’d say it was romantic

**coffeeloving bf :** i'm surprised those two aren’t together

**coffeeloving bf :** anyways night sweetie

**spaceboi bf :** wait a moment honey

**spaceboi bf :** im not done talking about the dynamite 

_ coffeeloving bf has left the chat _

**spaceboi bf :** goddamnit 

* * *

**[who dun it????]**

**spaceboi bf :** if u hear explosions sometime in the future

**spaceboi bf :** its the fatass fault

_ spaceboi bf has left the chat _

**Dicktator Fatass :** fuck you Craig

**Professor Chaos :** Oh geez

**Professor Chaos :** Mr. Garrison is going to be our teacher again?

**Professor Chaos :** My dad told me I would get grounded if it’s true

**bebabes :** what the hell!?

**bebabes :** its clearly not ur fault that hes back 

**SpicyNerd :** sorry to disappoint 

**SpicyNerd :** but Butters’ dad always finds some absurd reason to ground him

**bebabes :** thats just sad

**bebabes :** and pathetic of his dad

**SpicyNerd :** don’t worry too much

**SpicyNerd :** we’ll probably get him out again

**Nicest Hero :** u bet ur sweet ass we will

**Professor Chaos :** Are you fellas sure you want to keep on doing this?

**Professor Chaos :** You could all get into serious trouble because of me

**SpicyNerd :** you don’t really need to worry

**Nicest Hero :** yah

**Nicest Hero :** we got Cartman as leverage 

**Dicktator Fatass :** wtf excuse me?

**Nicest Hero :** not to compliment u dude

**Nicest Hero :** but the whole town has some decent enough fear of u after the whole Scott Tenorman ordeal

**ChampionWendy :** Not to mention last year

**ChampionWendy :** When you got an entire town to kill their neighbors 

**ChampionWendy :** Just because the family called you fat and refused to apologize 

**Dicktator Fatass :** bitch

**Dicktator Fatass :** im big boned

**Dicktator Fatass :** some blind fuckers didnt realize their mistake

**Dicktator Fatass :** and i see these as examples of my supreme power

**Dicktator Fatass :** thank you very much

**Professor Chaos :** Are you guys really sure?

**Professor Chaos :** I’m not worth all that trouble 

**Nicest Hero :** ur worth it

**Nicest Hero :** to me that is

**Nicest Hero :** but thats bc ur such a nice person Butters

**bebabes :** smooth

**Professor Chaos :** Awe thanks Kenny

**Professor Chaos :** You’re the greatest friend anyone could ever ask

**bebabes :** S H I T

**Dicktator Fatass :** ugh

**Dicktator :** cant u assholes be gay somewhere else?

**Nicest Hero :** shut up Cartman

**Professor Chaos :** What it’s true!

**Professor Chaos :** I’ll even fight tooth and nail against you Eric if you don’t think Ken is a great guy!

**bebabes :** KEN

**ChampionWendy :** Dear lord I need to fan myself

**ChampionWendy :** It’s not that Butters

**Nicest Hero :** quiet Wendy

**Nicest Hero :** Leo

**bebabes** : LEO

**Nicest Hero :** u did nothing wrong

**SpicyNerd :** oh right

**Nicest Hero :** its just some people

**Nicest Hero :** dont know 

**SpicyNerd :** i forgot Butters real name is Leopold

**Nicest Hero :** how to mind their own business

**Professor Chaos :** Okay

**Professor Chaos :** Speaking of being grounded 

**Professor Chaos :** I was sure glad I was grounded when Trent Boyett was released 

**SpicyNerd :** ok i’m crossing the line with that one

**bebabes :** huh?

**bebabes :** and who is Trent Boyett?

**SpicyNerd :** someone who we pissed off twice

**SpicyNerd :** and will be determined in killing us once he is out the third time

**ChampionWendy :** Oh my god 

**ChampionWendy :** Do you guys ever try not to get in trouble?

**Professor Chaos :** Sorry Wendy we’re trying

**Professor Chaos :** But failing

**Dicktator Fatass :** dont worry hoe

**Dicktator Fatass :** the last time Trent Boyett tried to murder us was in 9th grade

**Dicktator Fatass :** this time however

**Dicktator Fatass :** i convinced enough people to protect me from that fucker

**SpicyNerd :** when you say convinced

**SpicyNerd :** you mean blackmailed

**Professor Chaos :** Eric I hope you are at least treating your minions with respect

**Professor Chaos :** Respect is the key to make a good business and have more people put their trust and work under you without any fear

**Dicktator Fatass :** oh hell fucking no way

**Dicktator Fatass :** am i getting this conversation again

**Dicktator Fatass :** im fucking leaving

**ChampionWendy :** Isn’t that the only thing you’re good at?

**Dicktator Fatass :** eat my ass hippie

**Dicktator Fatass :** i better come back you mistakes of nature stopped being homos and disasters

**bebabes :** homos and disasters…

**bebabes :** not bad Cartman

**Dicktator Fatass :** whut

_ bebabes changed  _ **_who dun it????_ ** _ to  _ **_homos and disasters_ **

**ChampionWendy :** Oh

**ChampionWendy :** That’s nice of you Eric

**ChampionWendy :** Thanks for making such a cute name for our group chat

**SpicyNerd :** congrats fatass i like it

**Dicktator Fatass :** STOP

**Nicest Hero :** is there something u not telling us?

**Nicest Hero :** we wont judge

**Nicest Hero :** ill even help sate ur,,,,

**Nicest Hero :** curiosities

**Nicest Hero :** ;)

**SpicyNerd :** KENNY EW

**SpicyNerd:** I DON’T NEED THAT MENTAL IMAGE

**Nicest Hero :** does it turn you on?

**Dicktator Fatass :** I HATE ALL OF YOU

_ Dicktator Fatass has left the chat  _

* * *

  
  


**yodelin ‘n screamin :** today i learned 

**yodelin ‘n screamin :** to never piss off Tweek

**technoRogue :** Those were some pretty impressive explosions

**technoRogue :** I’ll give him that

**yodelin ‘n screamin :** and thanks to how 

**yodelin ‘n screamin :** excuse my language

**yodelin ‘n screamin :** stupid the adults of our town can be

**yodelin ‘n screamin :** nobody can pinpoint that it was Tweek

**yodelin ‘n screamin :** even when he was blatantly carrying boxes of explosions to Mr. Garrison’ house

**yodelin ‘n screamin :** seeing the former president scream in horror as he watches his house explode

**yodelin ‘n screamin :** was oddly satisfying 

**technoRogue :** That’s one way to start the week until we go back to school

**technoRogue :** Do you have it in video?

**yodelin ‘n screamin :** *sends a video*

**yodelin ‘n screamin :** you don’t even need to ask

**Professor Chaos :** Interesting 

_ Professor Chaos has left the chat  _

**yodelin ‘n screamin :** that was ominous 

**technoRogue :** I fear what our first day is like now


End file.
